Honestly...

I entered into the summer with all these grand plans for filling our days with fun and new activities, not overcommitting our schedules so that we can stay home and spend lots of time together, and even fitting in "Room Time" each day so that everyone can rest and recharge.  They were such grand plans.

The reality of summer has set in.  Yesterday marked the exact halfway point. Yesterday (and the day before, and the day before) I almost lost my mind from all the fighting, talking back, crying, tempter tantrums, and screaming.  No matter how much "fun" I have scheduled, it just doesn't guarantee that we will have fun!!

I want to be the mom that looks forward to summer and can't wait to have everyone here all day long.  That was my grand plan.  But that's not the way it's working out.  Instead I find myself frustrated, tired, and snapping at the kids all.day.long.  Even during our supposed "fun" times.

This is not a post where I figure it out and have some huge inspiration and end on a feel good note, because I haven't.  I'm still wading through the muck in order to find the stream of living water.

My only answer is going to sound so trite.  Go to God.  That's been His whisper to me since the beginning of this year.  "Come to Me.  Sit at My feet.  Be in My Presence."  It's crazy but He keeps confirming over and over to me that this is the lesson I need to learn, the one I fail at so miserably time and again.  Through books, sermons, conversations with friends, other random blogs - He keeps whispering until the whisper has become almost a shout and I can't help but feel I am being hit over the head with it.

I am reading an amazing, life-changing book called The Pressure's Off, by Larry Crabb.  He says: "Plenty of Scripture supports our praying for tangible blessings, relieved suffering, and a sense of well-being.  It's okay to hurt, and it's okay to pray for blessings, and it's okay to be happy when blessings come.  But it's not okay to ground our anchoring joy in the Better Life of Blessings.

There's a new way to live, and it's radically different.  It begins with identifying not your deepest longings but your deepest flaw.  Out of brokenness comes repentance that surfaces your longing for God's glory. Living for God's glory, and not for the blessings this life may provide, guarantees God's active presence with us, sometimes felt and enjoyed, sometimes unfelt during long nights of neither visible blessings from Him nor experienced intimacy with Him.  But the Spirit is always at work.  We believe it and have hope.  Eventually we experience it and know joy. Along the way, we are liberated from the drive to fill ourselves, to keep feeling good based on good things in our lives, and we are released to live for Christ and to love both God and others."

An excerpt from my journal, in response to this book:

"Honestly, right now I just feel tired.  I love summer, but summer is busy.  Even after trying to keep the summer not busy, it's still totally busy.  The kids fight constantly, argue with me, don't listen, make a huge mess and leave it there, disobey over and over.  I'm exhausted mentally from trying to figure out how to discipline them.  I raise my voice, get annoyed, want to get away, and then I feel guilty.  I don't want to wish this time away.

So maybe I am depending on my kids' behavior for my joy.  Am I?  Does it affect my moods that much?  Yes.  I hate the whining, crying, complaining, tattling, and temper tantrums.  I am frustrated!

God, I can't do this much longer without snapping.  I already have a few times.  Forgive me for the times I've been harsh, frustrated, and angry with the kids.  Give me more of YOU.  I need Your help in this.  Divine, supernatural help because I am failing miserably.  I'm sorry for trying to do this without You.

I will abandon myself to YOU.  This is my life.  This is what you have chosen for me. And even though it doesn't make sense all of the time and I feel lost and frustrated - I trust You to redeem these times with the kids and turn it into a good story - Your story.  I will cling to You.

And so I can enter today with confidence, knowing I have You by my side, that you are working all things together for good.  My job is to glorify You, enjoy You, and reveal You to others.  Help me especially to do that for my children. Because of You, I can love them with Your love, forgive quickly, speak gently, and find joy in the mundane."